The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. I've been pushing exceptionally hard on every front and I hadn't stepped back to evaluate until a few good friends on separate occasions asked the question: "What on earth are you doing?"
I didn't have a good answer. The truth is, I don't think I'm doing enough. I don't think I'm getting anywhere. And I have been this way my entire life, believing that nothing will happen to me if I don't work to a point of exhaustion, pushing so far forward that I don't know where I am.
I've been thinking I just need to get through this day...this week...this month. I soon realized, if I keep thinking this way, if I keep seeing time as something to overcome, it's like saying, I just need to get through this life.
A sobering thought.
When I listen to a song (and being caught inside a song is where I like best to be) I like to listen to as many versions of it as I can, hear it sung in different voices, let it be taken over by a Spanish guitar, or played as folk, jazz, classical.
On a radio show I like to listen to, the host does this. He'll play one song four times in a row, four different renditions of the same tune, to the outrage of other listeners. To my delight.
In this month of May, I have decided to similarly step back, to see the same me in a different way, rather than get trapped inside time I've all but begged to vanish.
It is difficult for me to stop in order to be, instead of working to become. But I am going to try.
And I'm sorry for the many I's in this post. It's actually really bothering me. So what do you do? How do you stop to be?