Begin to begin

I once wrote something a long time ago and I used the line "She was desirous of everything and, yet, nothing at all." It's kind of a clunky line, but I think of it every now and then. Because it's a line that applies to most of my characters. They are often quite restless and they want so many things they find themselves standing still.

Maybe most of my characters feel that way because I feel that way a lot of the time.

Right now, I want a lot of things out of life. Most of them have to do with my writing. I want a literary agent. And I want a book deal. And I want to see the book I worked on for so many years mean something to somebody. I want to finish another novel. And I want to re-focus my career so that I will always sit at a desk with a wide open window and lots of blue sky. A desk where I define the time of day that I sit at it. A desk that's really mine. And I don't want my work to sit in a drawer anymore. There are too many stories, too many plays, too many scenes, too many characters that are tired of being tucked away.

But I am also afraid that nobody wants to see any of it. That by putting myself out there I've actually set myself up for failure. I'm afraid that there is no desk to call my own. Because how do you even begin to begin again?

It seems that if you are someone who wants a lot of things, you run the risk of walking away empty. That the more you ask for, the more you may not receive. It can be scary to want things because, well, what happens if you don't get them? Do you just find new things to want? Or do these desires linger? Do they stay?

My experience has told me that they stay. That they stay whether you move forward or you stand still. But the more I make room for them and allow them to grow, the more I wish they would just go away.

Have you ever wanted a lot of things in your life?

Have you ever wanted so many things you don't even know where to begin?