J is for Jealousy

This is a bit of a difficult post for me to write because I'm a little ashamed... Lately, I've been experiencing some jealousy. It's something I've read on other blogs and dismissed because I consider myself a person who rejoices in other people's successes. But, I'm afraid that I've been bitten by a very mean jealousy bug.

Reading about people who have agents and book deals makes me feel like crap.

There. I've said it. I don't like the feeling. Not even a little.

In fact, when I read about someone who landed a book deal or an agent I often make a big show in the comments by overusing exclamation points and screaming congratulations to compensate for the bad feelings I have in the pit of my stomach.

It's not to say that I am not happy for you if you've worked really hard and your talent has been recognized. In fact, it's just the opposite. I'm usually thrilled. It's just this really awful feeling that says: I want what you have.

And I feel like an absolute turd for it.

Lately, I've tried to combat that feeling by telling myself that the people who have succeeded have done so because they work harder than me. It's the only way I can justify it. I tell myself, I must not be a good worker. I must be lazy. And I must work harder. My work ethic is just not good enough.

Whether or not it's true, I don't know. I don't know how hard all of you work in comparison to how hard I work. But I assume you work harder than me. If I stay up until 1am writing, you must stay up until 2am. If I take off from writing for 2 days, you must be using that time to knock out 20,000 words.

I can only assume that if I work harder, I will have what you have. So I'm going to bust my a** until I have it all too. And that's all there is to it.

I wonder...am I the only one who feels this way?