I am exactly one week away from turning thirty years old. This birthday has not sat well with me. Even while typing this, I feel confused about what I'm trying to say. But there is a nagging feeling that I'm just not supposed to be where I am. I am supposed to be a little farther in life. Not so stuck behind. I expected a lot to happen to me by the time I turned thirty. Unfortunately, none of it has happened. In fact, life in general, has happened a lot slower than I imagined it would.
Almost all of this has to do with my writing. Since I was a little girl, I always wanted to be a writer. And a big part of this is that I 100% planned to publish my first book by the time I was 30. But somewhere along the line, I got lost. After college, I took a strange path. One, I'm unfortunately still on. To be honest, I just don't understand how to have a career as a writer and so I'm following this endless yellow brick road to find the wizard and ask him how to get back on course.
I know that I am supposed to be happy with my accomplishments up to this point, but there is a very large part of me that is truly disappointed. I am just not the person that little girl imagined being.
The idea for Spared came about because of one line in a Bob Dylan lyric: Everybody will help you discover what you set out to find. Just the idea that people will help you find what you're looking for. Even if you don't know what it is.
I am grateful for the many people I have in my life who are helping me discover what I need. You all know who you are and I want to thank you, because you're helping me figure things out every step of the way.
Oddly enough, I am very relieved to know that my self-imposed deadline will be lifted next Wednesday. It's time for me to find a new way to be the person I intend to be.
I hear ya. I turned 30 in August and am nowhere near where I thought I'd be in life. I thought by this time I'd have a career, a bunch of kids, friends, etc. The whole shebang. Instead, I'm a homeschooling mom to one child, with a growing collection of rejection letters.
ReplyDeleteI prefer to look at it as an extended journey rather than a failure. :) And happy birthday a week early!
I know exactly how you feel. I'm also heading towards 30 and I always thought that I would a writer for television by now. However due to lack of confidence to take myself serious as a writer (plus many other things) has stopped me getting where I want to be.
ReplyDeleteI suppose we both have to learn not to be so fixed on achieving things by a certain age and when those things happen, they happen.
Have a great birthday!
I would love to be thirty again and know what I know now about writing:)) Enjoy it!
ReplyDeleteStephanie-- You're right, we should look at it as an extended journey rather than failure. I think I'm just reaaaaally impatient.
ReplyDeleteRejection letters suck, which I think goes without saying, but sometimes it's worth saying. haha. Best of luck with your writing.
Spangle-- It's no easy task to gain that confidence but it seems like writers have to take themselves seriously before anyone else does. What kind of tv shows do you want to write for?
Terri-- So can you tell me everything you know about writing? hehe.
Melissa--So your planned path has curved a little, but you have a wonderfully creative job. You live in a vibrant city. You ARE following your dream of writing a novel and getting it published. Don't worry about the timeline. Enjoy your life. :) Be happy....and have fun...
ReplyDeleteYes, I'd love to recapture some of those years, too. My "by this age" goals always seem to pass me by. I'm w/you re: looking at things in a new way.
ReplyDeleteThis is a post you MUST read, and it's not mine, so no self-promo:
http://therumpus.net/2010/08/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-48-write-like-a-motherfucker/
P.S. I couldn't make a tiny URL. The article is re: a woman who's sad that she hasn't pubbed her novel at the age she thought she would.